5 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
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If you are interested in this topic, I’d highly encourage the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff Ph.D.
Self-compassion is a wonderful self-mastery tool to manage just about anything. Let’s talk about compassion first.
Compassion is this idea of relating to suffering. When we see our friend who is going through a hard time, we tell them that they are not alone, that we feel their pain, and we empathize. We may even share our own hardships if they are comparable to show we understand. This is compassion towards others.
Self-compassion is to relate to your own suffering. We need to embrace our suffering without trying to change it or make it better. We just relate to it.
Here are some ideas for working with self-compassion:
1. Acknowledge the reality
In order to relate to our suffering, we have to validate our reality. Let’s take you becoming irritated with your partner as an example. If you notice that you are becoming warm, your hands are clenched, that you feel frustrated, that you are upset, that you are becoming snippy, acknowledge this without defending.
“I’m starting to become upset/overwhelmed/frustrated/irritated and this is really challenging/hard/difficult for me”
You would say this to yourself in your head. Now, this isn’t going to make you feel better. That isn’t the point. We are acknowledging what is in front of us and also validating the emotions we are experiencing from it.
2. Show compassion with the reality
This may look like this:
“This is hard/difficult/challenging and I feel insecure/anxious/angry with this situation. This is/has been difficult/hard/challenging for me. I am doing the best that I can with these emotions.”
Again, we are not trying to change, make you feel better, or defend how you feel.
Now the point is sitting with this feeling. Sitting with the idea that something is hard and that it makes you feel anxious because hard things are challenging. We show compassion by saying we are doing what we can with what we got.
3. Notice your body
When I practice this, I stop to notice how my body feels after I got through the first 2 steps. I tend to notice that my intensity fades because I’m probably noticing my reactions more which are usually not what or how I want to react. But, I also tend to notice that because my intensity has dissipated (maybe not completely) my head clears and I also look at the others involved. My attention is now not just about responding but also relating to their suffering.
“This appears to be challenging/hard/difficult for them. They are becoming defensive/angry/anxious”
We want to be able to look at situations from a 3rd-person perspective and we are able to master this when we tend to respond in a healthier manner because we are aware of our reactions, the reactions of others, and how these impact each other.
4. Acknowledge the elephant in the room.
One of my favorite things to do with anyone in my life is to state the obvious.
“This is hard for us, isn’t it?”
“We are not communicating very well right now”
“This appears to be really difficult for us”
You’ll be surprised how much just stating the obvious will diffuse things. Not just for them, but also for you. We are acknowledging the emotions and struggles within the present moment instead of trying to one-up, prove a point, or “win” the argument. Usually stating the obvious allows the other person to see that the struggle is between us and no one is against anyone. We are sharing something together.
5. Learn to rest and take breaks.
Compassion is about breaking away from things that do not allow you to be present with yourself. Either taking a break from an argument/disagreement or learning to rest when things become too much. I tell people that a lot of things that feel so pressing will still be there no matter when we decide to approach them. Our anxiety of having to hurry and decide everything right now is usually the culprit but most of the time there isn’t anything pressing on you to hurry and make a decision. So learning to stop and rest when appropriate can be wonderful self-care.
Remember that practicing self-compassion doesn’t start off with making us “feel better” but practices sitting with emotions that make us feel uncomfortable. After practicing, you will start to feel a de-escalation of emotions after they are validated.
